There have been moments in one’s life that the one thing you don’t expect happens… and mind you it happens quick. For about two years and a half now I have searched, far and wide, high and low, in and out for the one perfect person that is worth giving up my single life for but alas I have never truly found it. I have looked at all the signs. There are the more subtle signs that can mislead you to believe that what you’re feeling can be real such as friendly SMS flirting and other signs that are more blatant such as whispering “I love you” during foreplay that can catch you off-guard and suddenly ruin the mood.
They say that life should be lived to the fullest. And that it’s too short and too sad to spend it alone. Yes, I have been alone for almost 3 years, sometimes lonely and often just okay. And during this time I have focused on my career, friends and family as most people living the single life would. But there comes a time when you start asking yourself, “What is this all for if not to share it with someone you really care about?” You begin to realize that life tends to be more meaningful when you really have someone to share everything with. You begin to look for answers, reasons for you to wake up every morning with a smile on your face… an inspiration to keep going. But then you suddenly find it, in the most unguarded moment of your life only to realize that you maybe ready but it’s not enough. Your expectations grow higher, your checklist grow longer and the hopes for your to find the right person begins to dwindle. You do not settle because you owe it to yourself to keep looking for your Prince Charming. Because every fiber in your body believes that that one person exists to change your life for the better.
And then one day, you wake up and you’re in a relationship. After the long search you finally settled. You settled because you thought that you are in love. You accepted the flaws and acted on impulse only to be betrayed by your faith. He cheats. Time and time again he hurts you but like the proverbial son you keep coming back. And while some people call it true love, I just call it stupidity. You keep on breaking up and get reeled back in just as fast because you believe you have the obligation to stay. You believe it’s your duty to be the “better” partner.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen it. Felt it. That feeling of ecstasy, of love and how grand it can be. But at one point in your life you ask yourself, “Is it all worth it?”
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been going on and on about how love seemingly abandoned me. There just came a point in my life that I got so tired of all the dating, all the drama, all the waiting, and all the games. I haven’t given up on love. But sadly, I think that it has given up on me. In my 28 and a half years of existence, I have seen, or experienced, the kind of love so monumental that when I lost it I nearly died. And yet up until recently, I have been searching for a kind of love that will last. The kind that would give me reason to wake up every morning with a smile. The kind very few have. And unfortunately, the kind most people take for granted.
By nature, people are never satisfied. It’s human nature to always want more and it is this flaw that causes problems. A fatal flaw that ends a relationship you tired so hard to find and twice as hard to keep.
They say that good things come to those who wait. But what if it never does. Are you going to keep holding on that tiny glimmer of hope? Or will you give up and succumb to the reality that you may be destined to be alone. Will you be okay with it? Are you ready for that part of your life when it’s simply better to be single that to be in an unhealthy, complicated, often-hurtful relationship. Samantha (SATC) said, “Men cheat like dogs lick their balls, simply because they can.” In the gay community this holds especially true. Gay guys in relationship often cheats, not just because they are not satisfied with their partner anymore but simply because they can. It’s easier with social networking sites built for hooking-up and with bars practically giving the opportunity in a silver platter. And even in the slightest chance you find a perfect partner who will stay loyal for you, it won’t be forever. I’ve known gay couples that have been together for so many years that ended up being in an open-relationship after a few years because it can’t be helped. There’s a need. You can give all the excuses in the world to justify the fact you cheat. So I ask myself, after all that, “What’s the point?”
Perhaps, I have yet to find someone who can change my perception in relationships. To prove me wrong that gay guys can be faithful. After all, who wakes up each morning saying they don’t want to get swept off their feet.
All they need is the right broom.
***Thoughts inspired while listening to OliDex’s recommended song “A Love That Will Last” by Renee Olstead and a friend’s very complicated relationship.
Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo
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